Hope In You Alone

Radiation treatments finished yesterday! And she had chemo #6 today. For the first time her blood counts came back low and she’s considered immune-compromised. Which means we are supposed to lay low this week. We are praying her numbers go back up in time for my brother’s wedding in two weeks…

Radiation was rough, but I am thankful.

I’m thankful for the minutes that felt like hours where my baby was asleep in another room while I waited… because I was reminded that I am not in control. I can’t heal my daughter. I can’t destroy sin and evil and darkness. I can’t mend the brokenness. But God can do all those things.

I’m thankful for how God added a new layer to the ways I pray. Teaching me that it’s ok to pray without words. To simply let the depth of my soul cry to the depths of God’s heart, and to let the truths of the Great I Am simply wash over me: 
(Psalm 42:7) 
Deep calls to deep
    at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
    have gone over me.

I’m thankful for this tunnel vision and hyper awareness that I currently have… so many things have fallen away and been let go of, that the things that remain are more beautiful and precious and appreciated. 

I’m thankful for each nurse and technician and staff member who did whatever they could to make us comfortable, advocated for us, shared their hearts with us, created a welcoming place and served us with excellence. 

I’m thankful for the three tattoos that are on Alice’s abdomen. So much of this experience she won’t remember as she gets older. But she will have permanent reminders of God’s faithfulness. She will always be able to look at her “freckles” and know that she was made for a purpose and that God doesn’t waste any of our sufferings.

And of course I’m thankful that radiation is over. I’m thankful that there is always an ending to our suffering because of Jesus.

So what’s next? People keep asking when we’ll know if radiation worked… and the answer is strange. If she doesn’t get another tumor then it worked… if she does get another tumor, then it didn’t work. 

But I’m not worried. Every day when I handed my sleeping child to the nurses and walked back to her bay I prayed that the light beams would respond to their Maker’s voice – that He would direct them exactly where to go – that He would shine His light into the darkness and that the darkness would not overcome it. And then I’d pray these words from Mercy Me’s song “Even If”:

I know You’re able
And I know You can
Save through the fire
With Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow
I know the hurt
Would all go away
If You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful
You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can

…But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone! 

-marissa