How to Find the Blessings in Loneliness

Guest Post by Martha Brady

What is loneliness?

 Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. Verywell.com

According to this definition, loneliness is not something that is an objective fact, but rather, is much more of a subjective feeling. It can vary quite a bit from one person to another. The introvert may not suffer from loneliness nearly as often as her extroverted sister.

On the other hand, for some, it is not so much the number of people we have around us, but who those people are. For example, the widow is often very lonely because she misses the closeness of her spouse and the whole relationship that went with being married to him, assuming it was a happy one. The same can be said for the woman whose spouse has been ill for years with dementia and who no longer has that relationship she once did.

The blessing of loneliness

The blessing of loneliness is that it shows us our weakness and our need for Jesus and a closer relationship with Him.We realize how much we need his help in decisions where we may not have felt the need before. We need His resources to move ahead of us and open our eyes to provisions He is making for us, That is the singular blessing of loneliness.

We also realize how much we need the help of others around us. Before we were in this position of loss or being widowed or essentially losing our spouse to dementia or another illness even though he is alive, we may have felt able to manage whatever happened. Now we often feel weak and unable to manage. It is a feeling few of us enjoy. But it is real. We have knowledge gaps and ability gaps. We realize more than ever that we need other people to help us. We may need their help buying cars or figuring out how to manage money or who to choose to do a number of jobs that were handled for us before. It can all be confusing and overwhelming now. 

But that is why we have friends in the context of a Body of the Church. We can never assume that people they recommend in the church will automatically be honest. We still need to get comparison pricing when we have to get jobs done. But we can get their help for input.  We need the wisdom and support from others in the Body. But we have to ask for the support we need. They can’t read our minds. They don’t know where we need help. Ask for and accept help as offered especially if it is difficult for you.

Another blessing of loneliness is that we can intentionally find friendships in many places. We have potential friendships at church among many ages of women. There are also work friends if we work, interest groups such as quilting, art, sports or other interest groups you participate in, or even other women who are in a similar situation as ours. In many of those groups, there will be people that stand out as people you would like to get to know better. Why not ask to meet one of them for coffee/tea to get to know them better? It is a great way to get to know someone better with a short amount of time. You don’t have to invest a lot of time if the visit bombs, but if it goes well and you have a lot in common, it could be a very nice time to build a new friendship on.

Kinds of loneliness

The kinds of loneliness we suffer will be many over the course of a lifetime, That’s why it can be helpful to have some older friends. They can encourage you as you walk through your lonely periods. They include anything from the loneliness of the young mother who feels her life will always consist of diapers, cleaning babies’ faces and scrubbing the house. It feels like it will go on forever. And sometimes it seems her husband is never available to help when she truly needs him. It’s difficult whether that is the loneliness of child raising or loneliness within a marriage. It all depends how honest she has been with her husband about how she is feeling and how kind he has been with his response.

Loneliness comes in all shapes and sizes over the years, of course. Our feelings can get hurt over simple misunderstandings that we don’t clarify because of fear. We also have broken relationships that develop because of truly understanding that we are at different places and we no longer agree on important issues. Those times are very sad, but they happen. They leave us feeling very lonely for sure!

Of course, we also have the ultimate lonely times when people we love are taken from us in death…parents, close friends, spouses, even children. These are the obvious, terrible losses we dread.

Then we have the more subtle forms of loneliness. They are the quiet losses of friendship and intimacy in our marriages when we realize our spouse doesn’t really care for us in the ways we thought. Or the years of loss of a spouse to dementia when the relationship is no longer what it once was. Or the eroding of the relationship we had with one of our children who is now rebellious against us and all we stand for. I could go on, but you get the idea of what I am talking about. These quiet lonelinesses sit on our hearts and make them bleed causing us no end of sorrow. Often, few know of those griefs.

So, I have touched on what loneliness is and how it can be a blessing. I have also talked about the kinds of loneliness there are. Let me spend a little more time talking about one way to be comfortable with being alone, especially if that is something difficult for you. This may help you in bringing some of your truth to God as well.

How do we learn to be comfortable with that loneliness? How to be alone without being lonely.

• Recognize that loneliness is temporary in presence and intensity. It helps to know this isn’t going to be felt all the time and at the same intensity. That can be encouraging.
• Believe that if you are a Christian, God promises He will not leave you. Sometimes, that isn’t comforting when we want a certain person to be present, but it can help to know God is always with us. If no one else is present, He is. We can talk to Him about anything at any time and He can actually do something about it. He has the resources to help us when no one else can.
• Learning to enjoy being alone is easy and difficult. If you aren’t used to being alone, practice. Start with 15 minute segments.
  • Set a timer so you aren’t watching the time.
  • I have found that sitting outside in nature is helpful. If your thoughts simply enjoy the beautiful nature God has provided for you, that is fine.
  • Where does your mind go? What do you think about? There are no rules or rights and wrongs here.
  • Have something with you to write some of your thoughts or dictate into your phone.
  • Does what you are seeing around you, remind you of things from the past or present? Are they happy, sad or neutral? Try to think in more detail about your memory. How does it make you feel?
  • Do you see God’s presence with you in that memory? In what ways?
  • Does it remind you of any Scripture? Does it remind you of anything you know about God? About yourself? About others? Bible Gateway may be helpful here.
  • Often, this time may lead you into prayer. It may be prayer for specific people or prayers of worship to God. Just go with where God leads you during this time of quiet with Him. I would not call this a specific devotional time, but a time of simply learning to be alone…with God, your thoughts, your memories and even your plans.
  • It is likely to look different each time you sit down. Just be aware that God is present if you are His child. As time goes on, you will look forward to spending time like this with Him.

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
⁴ Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,

Isaiah 43:1-4a ESV

About Martha Brady