Loving Our Hurting Friends

A few weeks ago I was talking with my counselor about how difficult it can be to ask friends for help. Sometimes there is a fear of being a “burden” on them. She helped me re-frame this thought by explaining that when we ask our friends for help, we are inviting them onto holy ground. And although our suffering is the boulder we are carrying, when we allow our friends to serve us, we aren’t handing them our boulder, we are handing them a stone. Our friends can manage a stone. In fact, it will be their joy to hold that stone.

That conversation has been helpful as I’ve reflected on the roles my friends played in my life this past year. Instead of feeling guilty or embarrassed by how much they did for me, it has made me increasingly grateful.

I am writing this post to encourage you as you love and serve your hurting friends too. We have all wondered what is helpful to say or do… and what might be hurtful or cause more stress. So, I am sharing a few of my thoughts with you. Some ideas, some explanations of how your friend might be feeling/thinking, and some encouragement to pick up your friends’ stones.

My few thoughts are in no way exhaustive on this topic – and are based on my own experience. I know personality, culture, upbringing etc. are going to make friendship look different for each of us – so I’d love to hear your additional thoughts in the comments!

When in doubt – just do something!

The first thing I thought of is: when in doubt, just do something! A person who is suffering has a lot of extra tasks on their plate. Regardless of what their trial is – there may be extra appointments, phone calls, bills, and just general logistics involved. And each added task brings important and exhausting decisions your friend is constantly having to make.

When you ask your friend how you can help her you might get a few different responses. She might respond with something specific. That’s great! Now you know what stone to pick up!

Other times she might say “I’m fine, I don’t need anything”. But, there is a good chance that this response is not completely true. She may say this because she fears “burdening” you. Or she may say this because there is too much chaos in her world, it is too difficult for her to think beyond that moment, and it’s easier to brush you off.

When she claims she is fine, or if she honestly says “I don’t know what I need right now” – then that’s your cue to jump in and just do something! It’s okay if it’s not the perfect thing. Grace covers those gaps. When you act out of sincere love for your friend – it will bless her!

A few ideas based on how my friends helped me:

• -Set up a meal calendar
• -Arrange for lawn care
• -Send a note in the mail
• -Drop off a small gift
• -Get a gift card for a massage, a pedicure, her favorite store or coffee shop
• -Pick up whatever groceries you think she might need
• -Perform an act of service like washing her car, caring for her children, or accompanying her to an appointment
• And of course, the best thing you can do is to pray for her regularly

Whatever you pick – just do something and don’t always wait for her to guide you.

Reach out consistently – with out expectation of reciprocation.

I always sighed in relief when I would receive a text from a friend that said, “I do not expect you to respond to this”. What a gift! I knew that person was thinking of me or praying for me or wanting to check in, but she freed me from the pressure of needing to construct a response. In that simple sentence she recognized that I might not have the energy to respond, and she was not going to be offended by my silence.

If you reach out to a friend, and she is silent, it is not because you did or said something wrong. She has a lot in her head and on her heart and may be low on emotional energy. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to hear from you. But it might mean she can’t respond right away, or at all. And even if she doesn’t tell you, there is a good chance that your attempt to reach out came at an important time for her when she needed a reminder that someone cares.

One encouraging way to reach out is to pray for your friend first – and then text her or leave her a voice mail telling her specifically what you prayed for her. Maybe it was a Bible verse – or just a prayer for peace. But it reminds her that when you say “I’m praying for you” it isn’t just a routine “Christian phrase” – you really mean it – and you are really doing it!

And one more thought regarding prayer – if your hurting friend’s name “pops up” in your mind during the day (or in the middle of the night!) – that is the Holy Spirit prompting you to intercede for her. Do not ignore it. Resist the temptation to think “I’ll pray for her later”. You are being invited to enter holy ground – so step in, pray right then, and know that it is highly likely your friend needed your prayer at that very moment.

So, I would encourage you to reach out consistently, don’t be hurt by her silence, and pray when her name comes to your mind!

Ask specific questions

We all want to ask our hurting friends how they are doing. But there are some questions that are more stressful to answer than others. For example, the innocent sounding question “how are you” could invoke the following thoughts:

How am I doing? In general – I guess ok. Or today – mostly not ok. And then this hour has been horrible! I’ve felt 5 different emotions just this morning. In this exact moment I’m actually working through an anxiety attack before I need to make phone calls to resolve a financial issue. And we are on our last roll of toilet paper but if I have to go in public to buy more, I’ll probably lose it. Oh, and the baby won’t stop clinging to me and screaming while I try to make these calls. So how am I? Does she really want to know? Will she think I’m crazy if I tell her the truth? Should I lie and say I’m fine so she doesn’t ask me follow up questions? Ugh… I’m just so tired.

That is a small glimpse into what may go through your friend’s head when she tries to answer a “how are you” question (I know… because those have been my thoughts. 😉)

I am so thankful for my friend who taught me to ask: “how are you doing right now, this minute?” That question is so freeing for someone who is suffering! Now, she doesn’t have to feel overwhelmed with the task of summarizing all her emotions. It narrows her field of vision. It acknowledges that her emotions are changing all the time. It shows her that you care about her heart and are not expecting her to give you a simple answer.

Now, if you are somewhere quiet with a longer stretch of time in front of you – a broad question might be fine! But often we check in with each other in moments that are more rushed or chaotic – so I would encourage you to consider your surroundings when you choose what question to ask her.

No matter where you are – asking specific questions instead of the more broad “how are you” question may lead to a more honest and less stressful response. Her brain isn’t having to work so hard to collect all the data – but rather can focus on one aspect of what she is going through.

A few ideas for those “passing conversations” include:

• “Do you have _X__ need being met right now?” followed by “I will fill that gap for you!”
• “Is there a time this coming week that you’d like someone to sit with you?”
• “Is there a time of day that would be most helpful for me to pray for you?”
• How have you been feeling in the past hour?

And a few for when you have a little more time to talk and think include:

• “How is your marriage holding up under the stress you guys are under?”
• “How are your kids handling everything?”
• “What specific prayer requests do you have for the coming week?”

Our friends near and far loved us so well this past year. They each picked up a stone as they met our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Some prayed. Some asked questions. Some performed acts of service. Some wrote notes. Some sent gifts. No one person did everything. But many people did something – and each of those somethings wrapped us up in love and helped carry us through.

I know there are so many other ways to serve and love our hurting friends. Has a friend every said or done something especially helpful for you when you’ve been suffering? Do you have any other creative ideas for how to serve a hurting friend? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

May this encourage you to pick up a stone for one of your friends – and show her a glimpse of Jesus’ love.

Love, M