How to Help Our Children Process Painful Memories

Last week we talked about showing grace toward ourselves when our bodies act out in anticipation of painful anniversaries.

But what about our kids?

The anniversary of their grandparent’s death, or of their medical diagnosis, or of when their parents’ marriage ended… can impact our children too. And it’s good for us to be prepared to see some strange behaviors on their part.

*I’m going to interject here that I am not a licensed counselor or medical professional and if you have any deep concerns about your child’s mental well being please reach out to a doctor or care-provider for help! I simply want to offer encouragement and share with you a few things that helps our family (in addition to the professional help we get for our mental and physical health!)

I remember when I finally came home from the hospital after our daughter had been diagnosed with cancer. I had been gone for a week (with just short visits home to see my other two girls). One of our girls was only 18 months at the time… and she slapped me in the face.

She didn’t have the language yet to tell me how she was feeling. She couldn’t describe the emotions and thoughts racing through her little body. All she knew was that she was mad at me. So she hit me. Our oldest daughter was 6 at the time, and had never been snuggly. But that night she wanted to curl up in the bed next to me and cried.

Trauma and hardships and grief are so bizarre. They make us do things that are not normal for us. And as the parent – it can be easy to miss the signs our kids are giving us. Especially when we are navigating our own thoughts and emotions. When our kids act differently, or “act out”, we may be quick to respond in a way that is different than how we would respond if we truly understood WHY they are doing that thing.

As the months and years have passed since that day in August of 2018, the way our girls respond to those anniversaries have varied. Each year has been a little different as the girls have gotten older, and as they remember and process things differently.

Maybe you have a painful anniversary on your calendar that doesn’t just effect you. Maybe it’s a day that is also hard for your children. How do we help them walk through that day?

First of all, it can be tempting to want to hide our emotions from our kids. It can seem better to not draw attention to the hard date coming up. We don’t want to make our kids more upset – or bring up emotions or thoughts that they weren’t experiencing. But I want to encourage all of us to be open and to let our kids see us handle things in a healthy way.

“Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

John 8:12

One of the ways Jesus describes himself for us is “the light of the world”. Jesus came not just to shine light into the dark places – but to completely overwhelm the darkness with the light of life. And I love that Jesus doesn’t say he’s bringing in a flashlight or a candle to create light. He is not simply a conduit of light… he is The Light. It is the very presence of Jesus that eradicates the darkness.

When we bring our pain into the light we are participating in God’s redemption story. When we teach our children how to bring their hard things to the Lord – we are sharing in the work of Christ to overwhelm the broken world with his love and truth and grace.

So how do we do this? When you or your kids are struggling with the hard date on the calendar try these things:

• Let them see you cry (We cry all the time over here – but I know that might feel weird to you. I want to encourage you that it is ok for your kids to see you cry – and it helps give them permission to not-be-ok all the time);
• Pray with them (Let them see you take your emotions and thoughts to the Lord who holds all those things tenderly in his hands);
• Read Psalm 56:8 and memorize it together (Use hand motions or pictures to help your younger children);
• Fill a bottle with your “tears” (write on strips of paper the things that are causing them hurt/pain/fear and then put them in a glass bottle or vase), and thank God for caring for you;
• Then do something fun to distract all of you! Make ice cream sundaes, or watch a movie or go to the park. Those little things can be big reminders of God’s grace toward you and your children.

You are the mom to your kids and you know them best. Every hard anniversary does not require a deep dive into past trauma and the hard emotions/memories. But it might be best to say out loud why a given day could be hard. A simple reminder the night before like:

“Tomorrow is the anniversary of ______. It may feel like a totally normal day for you. But it also might bring up some different thoughts or feelings. Just know that however you feel tomorrow is normal and I’m here to talk about anything you want to talk about.”

This gives your child (especially a young child who feels things but doesn’t have the language to describe it to you) permission to feel how they are going to feel. And it removes any false sense of shame they might feel regarding their response to the day.

It also opens up the line of communication between the two of you. Then, however your child presents their thoughts/feelings to you (“mommy my tummy hurts”; “mommy i feel weird”…) – you can take steps in helping them (using the list above).

Yes, these painful anniversaries are difficult to get through. Yes, there is abundant grace for you and for your kids in and through Jesus. Yes, Jesus is the light of the world and desires to shine into the darkest places of your story.

There is no “but” to the list… because every promise that God has made to you has found it’s “yes” in Jesus (2 Corinthians 1:20)

As the momma – remember that what happened on that date in the past – it was traumatic, and painful, and challenging. But you endured. You are here. And you’re going to make it through this time too. Not because you are super woman. But because Jesus loves you, is kind to you, and is always with you.

Invite Jesus to shine himself into the dark places on your calendar. Let him do his redemptive work in you and in your children. I promise he will do it.