Parenting After a Trauma: Three Helpful Tools

A school shooting, a natural disaster, a car-wreck, an ER visit, a diagnosis… sometimes life can feel like driving down a country road full of potholes… and it’s dark outside… and it’s raining.

As much as we try, we can’t avoid every traumatic event. And as strange as it feels, after every traumatic event life keeps moving forward. There are still tasks to be done, work to be accomplished, dishes to be cleaned, and kids to be parented.

Pediatric cancer parents are often told, “I could never do what you’re doing!” or “I don’t know how you’re doing it!” The same things get said to other people in difficult caregiving roles, or people who have experienced a trauma. And it can be difficult to know how to respond to these types of statements.

So here are three tools that have been helpful for me – both in moving forward as a parent after a trauma, and in responding to people who ask me how I’m moving forward. 

Practice Faith

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Before Alice was diagnosed with cancer I had already been homeschooling my oldest. We loved our homeschool community and the curriculum we were using. We had a full schedule with lots of activities and she was thriving. I could see myself homeschooling for a long time.

Once Alice was in treatment I sensed a big shift in my heart. Fear over my girls’ wellbeing, safety, and health consumed my thoughts. Most days I had to force myself to leave the house for our regular activities. I felt safe inside. I felt like my kids were safe inside. I falsely believed that I could protect them if I just kept them huddled up close to me.

So I was full of anxiety when my husband and I started talking about not homeschooling anymore, and instead sending our oldest to our neighborhood school. When I prayed about it, I sensed the Lord’s gentle encouragement to view our sending her to school as an act of faith and worship. A way of acknowledging that I wasn’t ever really in control anyway… and I would trust God to care for her both in my home, and inside a school building.

This fight inside my heart is not over. Each time another traumatic event happens in our family or in our community I sense the same urge to gather my babies and keep them close. And each time I have to practice living out my faith. My assurance is in Christ and in our eternal home with him. And my conviction is that God is in control even when I can’t see it.

On March 28, 2023 the way I parented after trauma, was by packing my girls’ lunches, hugging them, and sending them out the door to school as usual. That was my act of worship to the Lord that day. 

Remember the Bigger Picture

When a traumatic event happens, our world can get very small, very fast. Our brains can’t process large amounts of suffering, so we shut down a little and focus on what is right in front of us. Maybe you’ve found yourself zoning out while watching the news. Or you’ve been so focused on getting through the next doctor’s appointment that you ran a red light.

When the “I can’t believe it” feelings, and the “how can this be” questions start to swirl, I find it helpful to think about life as a one big story that God is writing. You are a character in the story, and so am I. God is the writer, and he’s constructing a wonderful story full of twists and turns and ups and downs. But in his book, our characters only make an appearance in one little chapter. There is a whole story arc happening around us – a bigger picture – that we can’t always see when we focus on the little details of pain and suffering that are in front of us.

Because God has given us his Word – the Bible – we do have a reference point for our characters, and for the suffering we are witnessing. God has given us the overarching story line of creation, fall, salvation, redemption, and restoration. And when we start to feel overwhelmed with the details in front of us, it can be helpful to step back and plot our traumatic events along the story line God has given us.

Of course, this won’t perfectly answer all our questions or calm all our anxieties. We are not God, so we are not privy to all the ins and outs of what he is up to. But we can trust the Lord because of what he has given us. We can trust that the bigger story is better than one we could ever write. We don’t even have to be happy with the story line, but we can still believe that it is good.

Rest in the Ending

The third thing I find helpful in parenting after trauma is to re-read the end of the story. Are you one of those people who flips to the end of the book first? Normally I am not. I usually enjoy the unpredictability of novels and the twists and turns of the plot. But when it comes to the story God is writing in our lives… the plot line can get too overwhelming for me, and it helps me to go to the end and re-read the last chapter.

Right now I am reading through Nancy Guthrie’s book Blessed which is all about Revelation. She encourages you to read a couple chapters of Revelation at a time, take notes on it (she even has a whole Bible study you can do on it first if you want), and then pick up the corresponding chapter in Blessed to read her commentary and explanations. It has been such a gift to me these last few weeks to not just remember the end of the story, but to worship God for generously giving us the ending in the first place!

God doesn’t owe us anything. He didn’t have to tell us how it would all end… but he did! What an amazing, loving, tender God we have. When traumatic events happen, when I don’t have answers… when I’m afraid… when I sense myself wanting to take control… I can remember that God wins. In the end, God has the final say over all the pain and suffering of our world.

One of my favorite passages (I think I shared this in a previous newsletter) is Revelation 7:13-17

Then one of the elders addressed me, saying, “Who are these, clothed in white robes, and from where have they come?” ¹⁴ I said to him, “Sir, you know.” And he said to me, “These are the ones coming out of the great tribulation. They have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

¹⁵ “Therefore they are before the throne of God,
    and serve him day and night in his temple;
    and he who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence.
¹⁶ They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;
    the sun shall not strike them,
    nor any scorching heat.
¹⁷ For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
    and he will guide them to springs of living water,
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

The end of the story promises that we will be sheltered by the presence of God. No longer will we need to try and be the shelter for our children, grandchildren, loved ones or friends. God himself will protect us. The conquering Lamb will be our shepherd, guiding us to springs of living water and wiping away every trauma induced tear from our eyes. What a glorious ending to this story we are living! And what a gift to those of us trying to parent after a trauma. 

Tell me, what helps you to keep moving forward after experiencing a trauma in your personal life or in your community? What would you add to this list or offer as encouragement to the next friend who asks for advice? I’d love to hear from you!