Even If

Over the past few weeks we’ve spent an increased amount of time at the hospital while my daughter finished chemotherapy and endured a variety of scans. While it was exciting to reach big milestones in her treatment journey, it was also a season of great anxiety. For so many months now there have been actions we can take: appointments to keep, medications to administer, spirits to keep encouraged, exhausted bodies to comfort… But now, even though there were still actions to take, there was also a letting go happening. I release of any misconception of control. A realization that it either all worked, or it didn’t. God either chose to heal her, or he chose not to at this time. The anxiety of those weeks was at times overwhelming and it’s hard to put into words all the emotions that swept over me.

But even in the fear and anxiety, God met me. Even when my prayers were just my tears. Even when all I could say was “Jesus”. God heard those cries (Psalm 66:19), was honored by my turning to Him (Psalm 50:15), was not in the least put off by my lack of words (Matthew 6:7), but rather stepped in and interceded on my behalf (Romans 8:26). And then gently reminded me that no matter what would happen – God would not change. His character was not dependent on the test results we would see from our human, temporary perspective.

Have you heard the song “Even If” by Mercy Me? The lyrics are powerful and are rooted in Daniel 3 – the story of the Fiery Furnace. It is one of the songs that has deeply resonated with me and become a repeated prayer over the past year. Here is a condensed version of the lyrics:

It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now

But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can

“Even If” by Mercy Me

In God’s perfect timing, I was studying the book of Daniel last fall, at the same time that my daughter was scheduled for two weeks of radiation treatments. Because of her young age they had to sedate her for each treatment, and I hate sedation! Especially for little ones! It’s just one of those things as a parent that has always caused me immense fear. But God did not choose to remove the mountain of sedation from our path, and he also didn’t choose to remove the fear from my heart. Instead, he encouraged me to bring that fear to him – again and again – and he gave me the “Even If” song to be the words of my prayer.

The song is based specifically off Daniel 3:16-18. King Nebuchadnezzar has set up a golden statue and decreed that anyone who doesn’t worship the statue will be thrown into a fiery furnace. When he asks Daniel’s friends if they are going to obey, they answer:

“O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

Daniel 3:16b-18; emphasis mine)

Daniels’ friends knew with full confidence that God could rescue them – IF that was what he willed. But they also knew that God was worth their full commitment, faith, and love regardless of how he chose to answer their pleas.

Throughout this past year, and especially during those radiation treatments, I wasn’t sure if I had the same faith… but I wanted it… So each day at the radiation clinic I’d hold my girl while they put her to sleep. Then I’d slip out of the room and wait in a chair in the hall. And I’d pray those song lyrics over and over. Through the power of the Holy Spirit I would entrust my girl, and my heart to my gracious Lord.

That song has continued to minister to me over the past many months.  

Last week, she had a big CT scan. It was the one that would tell us if her cancer was gone or not. (She will continue being scanned for years, but this was the first big one since her chemo had finished). The Doctors were supposed to go over the results with us in her clinic visit a few days later, but I didn’t want to hear the news in front of my daughter. So, when I had a rare few minutes alone – I got in my car, and drove to a nearby parking lot to call the Dr and hear the results over the phone. Adrenaline racing, the only words I could think to pray were those same song lyrics:

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

When I got ahold of the Doctor, she told me the news:  Alice’s scans were clear. There was no sign of cancer anywhere in her body!

It is surreal even typing those words. I still haven’t fully wrapped my mind around it. But I am so immensely grateful for the Lord choosing, in his sovereignty, to move this mountain and heal her at this time.

A common (and right!) response I’ve been receiving to this news is “Wow! God is so good!”

Yes! Yes he is! But, what he’s been trying to teach me is that he would have still been good if he hadn’t given us what we wanted. If those scans hadn’t been clear. If the news was that the cancer had spread and more treatments were coming… God’s character would not have changed in that moment. His goodness would not have disappeared. His love would not have diminished. His sovereignty would not have been compromised. God’s character is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). That is why we can say:

“Even if you don’t… my hope is You alone.”

This is the truth that I wish for everyone (including myself!) to know: God is good. Period.

But how can I possibly claim that with such confidence?

Because of all those excruciating minutes that I have spent sitting in a hospital chair, separated from my daughter while she is sedated in another room.

And because of all those times I’ve been unable to talk to her or see her or hold her while she endured pain.

And because of the countless tears I’ve shed while overwhelmed with painful emotions.

Because, while I was forced into these places of agony… God entered those same circumstances, by choice.

God has been separated from his son, unable to talk to him, hold him or comfort him. God has endured the excruciating pain of watching his child suffer. God has waited in another place while his son cried out to him for saving.

The heartache we as parents do everything to avoid… God chose to endure – out of love for you, and out of love for me. Because he wanted to win us back from our delusional state of self-help. Because he wanted to rid the world of pain, sickness and death.

I’ve always read and contemplated the Easter story – Jesus’ death and resurrection – from Jesus’ perspective. The Son separated from The Father. The Triune God temporarily split apart. The choice Jesus made to die in my place (not because of anything I did to earn it – but simply out of his abundant grace! “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God” Ephesians 2:8)

But now I’ve had a small taste of what God the Father experienced on the other side. And Easter can never be the same when I realize what God endured as a Father in order to rescue me and win me back.

God doesn’t need us to craft fancy prayers in order to speak to him – he hears even the deepest cries of our heart. He simply longs for us to believe that He is good. Period.

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may

What are you clinging to as you walk through hard things? Do you believe God is good, regardless of how he answers your prayers? Do you know that you’ve been saved by grace – and not by any good works on your part? Do you know that the Easter story doesn’t end with Jesus dead on a cross – but with him resurrected? I pray that you may know these things and that they would fill you with joy!

Love, m