Waiting with Jesus

I have a tendency, when things get hard, to retreat from the said thing. This became apparent quickly after marriage… (sorry Rob). And continued to show itself true after having children. Hence the reason my girls have occasionally found me hiding in my closet.

I’ll use phrases like “I need some space” or “I just need a break.” Or I’ll simply get silent and will refuse to communicate at all… (poor Rob).

Now, there is something to be said about taking a moment to compose myself when I’m frustrated and in giving myself time to rest from difficult circumstances. Not all moving away from hard things is bad. But it’s the condition of my heart that most concerns me. It’s when I assume that the other person or my circumstance is the problem and that if I just move away from it then my frustration, anger, irritation, etc. will go away. It’s when I put the blame on the other “thing” instead of looking at my own heart.

What I have found over and over to be true is that instead of moving away from difficulty – it is often better if I press into it.

When I want to run from my kids and parenting duties – that’s the very moment I most need to sit on the floor and scoop them up in a hug. When I want to hide away from friends because answering their loving questions feels too overwhelming, that’s the very moment I most need to answer their call or respond to their text. When I want to retreat from the argument with my husband, that’s when I most need to stay put and have the hard conversation.

And when I am angry with God, doubting his promises and frustrated that He isn’t doing things the way I want – that’s when I most need to open my Bible, pray out my feelings, and show up at church (great article on showing up at church when you don’t feel like it: here).

Unfortunately, that’s not always my first response…

Last Friday Alice was scheduled for her final chemo treatment. Rob had taken the day off work to come with us. We had celebrated with ice cream the night before. We had been counting down the days. Even the nurses had thought it was a sure thing. But when we took her in, she didn’t make counts. Which means that her body didn’t have enough blood cells in it to be able to withstand the harsh medicine.

At first I was in shock and barely felt anything. My heart had been counting on this day being the finish line. Then, with no warning, the line got moved.

Then I became disappointed and sad.  What happened God? Why did you do this? Why didn’t you answer our prayer? So many people were praying that she’d make her counts for this final day! We are so ready to be finished! Why didn’t you let us finish?

Without intending to do it, I immediately fell into my pattern of retreat. I wanted to push God away. I didn’t want to pray. I couldn’t think of any words to say to him anyway. I didn’t want to look at the texts friends were sending with their sympathy and mutual disappointment. I figured that if I just avoided processing this, that it would magically get easier.

But you want to know what happened? Retreating didn’t transform my disappointment into contentment – but rather into anger. It morphed into doubting God’s goodness. It turned into assuming I know better than God what is best for my little girl.

If only I had taken my disappointment to him immediately – how different my heart may have looked. God is big enough for my frustrations and sadness. He isn’t put off by us asking “what happened? why doesn’t this look the way I want?”

But my turning from him changed my humble questions into arrogance. Instead of bringing my hurt with open hands, I harbored anger with clenched fists.

How grateful I am that the story doesn’t end there. I am engraved on his palm after all. He’s not going to let me go.

And so, in the midst of my turning away, he reminded me of Job. Beloved Job who suffered so deeply. Job who, from a human perspective, should have had every right to be angry with God and to retreat into his closet. But instead of running away like a pouting toddler – Job puts his hand over his mouth and says “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? (Job 40:4)” Instead of running away from God he humbly invites God to say whatever he wants.

God doesn’t say “your anger is justified, hang out with those feelings.” No, he graciously reminds Job of who is in charge: who hung the stars and stops the waves; who has storehouses of hail and who is the only one who can adorn himself with majesty, dignity, glory and splendor.

He says, “Will you even put me in the wrong? Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?” (God speaking in Job 40:8)

Those words can be hard to read, but they are true. If even Job would silence himself and humbly allow God to have the final say over his life, how much more ought I!

Those words breathed truth into my heart: that my retreating hadn’t led me to a place of peace, but a place of anger and assuming that God was wrong, and that I knew best.

Thankfully, even God’s reminders, that I am wrong, are loving – in that they are meant to move me toward repentance and restoration. Would it be better for God to let me wander off into the quicksand of anger and bitterness in order to avoid hurting my feelings or making me feel guilty?

Or is it better to have a moment of guilt over my tantrum, so that I can be brought back? So that I can once again see his goodness and mercy and delight in his loving plan?

Well, now what? God showed me my error. He invited me to repentance. Through his Word he reminded me of his unchanging character. How would I respond?

Just like with my kids, my husband and my friends, I must continually resist the urge to run away from God when I’m upset with him, and instead press in and draw near to Jesus.

Ultimately, I was mad that I have more waiting to do until this storm called cancer is past. So I looked up the word “wait” in the back of my Bible and wrote down all the verses that were listed. Then I sat there and read every single one.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
    be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
    “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
    Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
    O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
    O God of my salvation!
I believe that I shall look^[f] upon the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:7-9, 13-14

Many of the verses I read spoke to my heart, but reading Psalm 27 I thought, “how did David so perfectly capture my thoughts all those years ago?!” 😉

Those verses reminded me of some important things:

1. God hears me when I cry out to him!
2. I can seek his face – for he does not hide his face from me!
3. He does not turn me away or cast me off – no matter how much I try to run from him.
4. He lets us see glimpses of his goodness even now while we wait for Jesus to return.
5. And I can take courage. Not in myself, nor in any hope of my plans. But rather in the fact that God is always my help. He never forsakes me. Even in my tantrums, he pursues me. Therefore, he is worth waiting for. His plans are worth waiting for.

God didn’t answer all my questions of “why are we still waiting for this to end”, but he did remind me of who he is and how dear I am to him.

So I wait. I can wait alone, in my closet, in my anger. Or I can wait with Jesus.

For what are you waiting? Are you pressing in to Jesus while you wait? Are you taking courage in who He is?

Be strong dear friend. Take heart. He is good. And I’m confident that his plans are worth waiting for.

love, m